I suck at receiving help.
I suck at receiving help. You? It’s so much easier to give than receive. I am in a situation where my family is being loved in the most fierce, tender and extravagant way. We are being loved in the way we need to be loved. We are being loved in a way that makes our breathing easier, our hearts less afraid and our spirits lighter. This love has no expectations or strings attached. This love comes whether I feel like I deserve it or not. And, to be honest, most of the time I do not feel worthy of this love. You could call this love grace.
I’ve spent a lifetime proclaiming the startling good news we don’t have to prove we are worthy of love. We are loved. We don’t have to prove our goodness. We are created in the image of God’s own goodness.
My family is being showered with amazing grace. I am wearing guilt like a heavy coat I can’t seem to slip off my shoulders. It’s one thing to try convincing others they are worthy of love. It’s something else to feel I am worthy and deserving of such love. I’ve spent a lifetime hustling and grinding to prove my worthiness. Giving is easy because it maintains the illusion of being in control of proving our worth.
Receiving is vulnerable. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Embarrassing. Receiving breaks my heart open to rest in a love that has always been there.
My spiritual practice right now is to say “Yes” to the grace that is offered. It’s amazing to be loved with a love that doesn’t stop and ask whether I am deserving or worthy. It is a love that simply wants the best for me and my family. It is sheer grace. Amazing grace.
Hafiz wrote, “Even after all this time the Sun never says to the earth ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky.”